


relax

by souppie



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Established Relationship, Fluff, Insomnia, M/M, Massage, Morning Cuddles, Nipple Play, Other, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2017-11-30
Packaged: 2019-02-08 19:09:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12871125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/souppie/pseuds/souppie
Summary: “Sehun. You don't ever need to feel like you're bothering me."Maybe that’s what it is, with everything going on he has just been so caught up in feeling like he's a burden. It feels weird being so close to expressing it but not being able to get the words out.





	relax

**Author's Note:**

> ok so i finished this while procrastinating my fest fic and all my essays 
> 
> it's part of a larger fic that featured sehun having moved in w/ ksoo, but due to mental illness, he's not able to work a day job, and so it was about him figuring out how to navigate all those feelingsssssss and stuff, but this is just a lil snippet~
> 
>  
> 
> ksoo is a trans man in this fic and sehun is up for interpretation, but probably a non-binary boy if u squint (also there is mention of top surgery in this fic!)

Sehun noses around his boyfriend's clavicles as he yawns. He knows he’s brushing a mole even though he’s too groggy to crack an eye open yet. Remembering where all of Kyungsoo’s moles are is a fun little game he plays without any real input from Kyungsoo himself, but that’s fine by him. It’s calming to keep track of them, the familiar ones that are always on show, the less well-known ones, and the secret spots that he only sees when Kyungsoo is most comfy. He wonders if he plotted them all out on a piece of paper and connected the dots, whether he’d find a constellation that mirrored one above.

"Mm, morning," Kyungsoo says, voice rough with sleep, and hand coming up to slide easily into Sehun's hair. "How was your night?"

_ How was your night _ . Sehun hums, feeling like he’s feigning soft sleepiness even if he is both soft and sleepy. Maybe because he realises it’s not a question he can answer in one word, and he’s too tired to want to string along a sentence. It’s...nothing new really, but last night had been frustrating after a period of good nights. Morning feels something like an escape from it and he’s reluctant to delve back in.

Kyungsoo's fingers come to rest above his ear, playing with the hair there that Sehun is trying dutifully to grow out. He wastes no time leaning into it and Kyungsoo obliges with the kind of scritches Sehun would purr over if he could.  

"Mm, you sure? It felt like you woke up a couple of times.”

He curls into himself before he realises what he’s doing, and he wedges his face into Kyungsoo’s neck. It’s not subtle, but Kyungsoo is too observant for his own good anyway. Even if secretly Sehun’s grateful, he hides. 

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” Kyungsoo says, because he’s not one to push, but his arms curve around Sehun’s long torso and keep him close. 

“I…” He croaks, and clears his throat. He doesn’t like his voice in the mornings, and it’s worse that he feels like there’s too much attention on him. Not from Kyungsoo, but from..something else, the silence, himself.

He muffles his voice in Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “It’s just the anxiety again…” He tries to talk about it like it’s a nagging relative that won't let him focus, because it makes it seem less intimidating, less detrimental to his life, and the brain-voice comparison is pretty accurate. 

“Ah.” Kyungsoo makes no further comment, and lets them breathe together; patiently, rhythmically, until Sehun finds his voice again. 

“It was three times.” Three times waking up, three times staring at the ceiling as he teared up, three times panicking quietly in the kitchen, drinking cups of water by the sink and shakily making himself a slice of toast. Three times reaching out for Kyungsoo instinctively, but then slipping out of bed as noiselessly as he could.

Kyungsoo makes a motion as if to gather him up. Sehun feels especially small and loved when he does it, despite the fact that he almost disappears beneath Sehun’s body when he crawls on top. Kyungsoo’s body is soft under his tank top, recently he’d started going topless more often, foregoing t-shirts when they’re at home around the same time Sehun had started wearing lacy bras. Sehun knows it’s because Kyungsoo’s been feeling more comfortable recently, with his chest healing well, work being so supportive, and his parents finally calling again, and it makes Sehun so happy. Kyungsoo likes Sehun to lay his head right there on his heart, and Sehun likes to listen to the beats like they’re Kyungsoo’s internal metronome. 

“You know you can always wake me if it gets bad like that.” Kyungsoo says gently, Sehun’s head moves up and down with his breaths.

Sehun knows that, but maybe he needed to hear the words from him. He also knows that Kyungsoo would stay up all night if he couldn’t get to sleep, and Sehun’s the only one out of the two of them with the luxury of sleeping in. Even if it is a Sunday, Kyungsoo finds it difficult to regulate his sleeping pattern. When he begins to mumble about Kyungsoo’s sleep schedule though, something about it seems untruthful. Even if he does worry about those things, a lot, it’s more that it’s part of a bigger worry. Some sort of existential worry that he’s always had but gets better and worse, and right now it’s looming over him even on his good days; and he has lots of good days with Kyungsoo. His fingers twist into the hem of Kyungsoo’s tank top.

“Sehun. You don't ever need to feel like you're bothering me."   
  
Maybe that’s what it is, with everything going on he has just been so caught up in feeling like he's a burden. It feels weird being so close to expressing it but not being able to get the words out. 

“Even if it’s just about my slightly messy sleep schedule, you realise that you suffering alone takes priority, right? It's life, and it's nothing I can't work around. Nothing we can’t work together to figure out.” 

Sehun chews at his lip, eyes prickling. He should know that. He does know that.

"Sehunnie?"    
  
It’s not as if he doesn’t talk to Kyungsoo about how he feels, they’re more open with each other than Sehun’s ever been with anyone; Kyungsoo had easily accepted that late night drama rewatches meant soft-spoken discussions about life and feelings and Kyungsoo’s music and Sehun’s mish-mash of dissertation ideas. Sehun is someone who likes to talk about thoughts and feelings.

But there are so many big ones that have been following him around that he hasn’t had the energy to share. The kind that watch him while he works and keep him from waking Kyungsoo up even when he knows he would want to help, and probably could. The kind that require him to sit down seriously and specifically, and try to phrase things he doesn’t even want to give proper voice to. With words that don't seem to convey enough of how he feels for him to want to speak them out loud; words like future and purpose and fear and guilt-

"Hey,” Kyungsoo says softly, slides his hands up Sehun’s back; breaks his spiral. “Breathe.”

It’s shaky, but he does. Kyungsoo's hands move up and down his back, massaging his bare skin, fingers sliding under the strap of his bralette. Up and down, in and out.

“That’s it. It's all okay, baby. Breathe. It’s okay."   
  
Sehun doesn't want to get weepy this early in the morning, but he can kind of feel the ugly cry in the back in of his throat that he used to only reserve for Chanyeol; messy and wet and wrapped up on his sofa after bad breakups or heated family dinners. 

Like Chanyeol, Kyungsoo isn't afraid of people crying, which is lucky because Sehun cries too much for his own liking. "Sorry," he manages, and Kyungsoo hushes him with a hand through his hair. It’s so easy to want to be wrapped up in him and the soft-spoken, solid feeling of his reassurance. It should be easy.

"You have nothing to apologise for." There’s a press of lips on his crown, and Kyungsoo speaks into his hair. "And I’m not saying you can’t have your own space and deal with things by yourself when you need to. Of course you can, you always can. I just don't want you to feel alone.” His tone is gentle but firm. “I don’t want you to feel like you’re a bother either. You never are.” And Sehun thinks it’s pure care exiting Kyungsoo’s body as sound; as circles rubbed into his back and lips on his forehead. 

“I know you would do the same for me.” He continues softly. “So if you need something, don't hold back. Okay?"   
  
Yes, he would, of course he would. Sehun squeezes his eyes together and the definitely-not-tears that had been welling up there drip into Kyungsoo’s shirt. He’s not even upset really, it's relief more than anything. He nods in acknowledgement and feels a strange need to smile, even if he can’t express everything now, there’s something that feels lifted. Something smiley and teary. Because it’s early morning on a Sunday, and the whole room is soft sunlight and three testers of Kyungsoo’s questionable wallpaper choices on the wall, and he’s still wobbly, and needs assurance more than most, and he loves Kyungsoo so much, so it’s all he can do not to cry again.   
  
He huffs a laugh instead, and Kyungsoo lifts Sehun’s head up and meets his eyes. If he’s confused, he doesn’t show it.

Sehun forgets for a moment that Kyungsoo had gotten a haircut yesterday; it’s the shortest he’s ever gone, shaved close all round, a soft buzzcut. He had felt so good about it. Kyungsoo raises his eyebrows and his eyes are smiling and then his mouth, and, oh. Sehun swerves a full blush by pressing his lips to the corner of a heart-shaped smile just beginning to build, and then takes the time to roll over and grumble about boyfriends being handsome too early in the morning.

Kyungsoo is all light chuckles and Sehun lets the elder pull him back in and kiss him anywhere but his mouth; morning breath. He feels wiggly and whimpery and he wants to smile at Kyungsoo forever. 

“So I was thinking,” Kyungsoo whispers, pressed up against his back, “how about we make a list of things that help each other relax?”

His hands are rubbing circles along Sehun’s spine again before he’s even replied, searching for the pressure points he knows Sehun goes absolutely limp over. Sehun whines when he presses his fingers just right, just there, and gosh, it aches but Kyungsoo is so good at it. “That. Sounds good.” Sehun breathes.

With Sehun’s studies so often leaving him slouched over his drawing tablet or bent over his desk, it’s a pretty common occurrence for him to be wandering around the house complaining about tight shoulders, or bending into list of yoga positions he found on a four-star recommended app. Perhaps it was fate that Kyungsoo’s mother had been an acupuncturist in her younger days.

"Deeper?" He asks, and Sehun's gasping against his pillow again.    
  
"Y- yes, right there, tight-"   
  
His fingers press deep, and Sehun doesn't know how he does it so well. Precise and rhythmic and he grits his teeth through bittersweet pain. 

“Hm. I can’t get a good angle, lay flat.” Kyungsoo intructs, but even slightly rearranging himself is a harder task than it seems when Sehun’s whole body now feels like a piece of silly string.

But Kyungsoo manages to shuffle him around until he’s lying comfortably on his chest and then Kyungsoo is straddling his hips as he sinks into the mattress. “Let me know if the pressure is too much or not enough.” Kyungsoo reminds him, and he grunts a reply as firm fingertips massage countless warm haloes into the space between Sehun’s shoulder blades. 

“Oh…” he breathes, mind hazy.

"That's it, baby, I've got you." He says. Sehun’s too absorbed to even blush because he believes him with every inch of his being. “Almost there,” comes a warning, and then there’s a release of pressure and Sehun surprises himself with a tiny, high-pitched whine. There's a pulsing kind of ache as Kyungsoo smooths his hands all over the area, but it hurts so good he can only melt into little satisfied noises.

“That sounded like it felt good.” Kyungsoo’s voice sounds suspiciously amused from above him. 

“I sound like a dying cat.” Sehun groans when Kyungsoo bends over his back to plant a kiss between his shoulder blades. Sehun feels small with Kyungsoo like that and his cheeks are hot. 

“We’ll have to agree to disagree.” Kyungsoo flops onto his back again. Sehun makes his protest clear by moving back in like a magnet for more snuggles. “Maybe a happy cat.” Kyungsoo continues, and Sehun feels a little vulnerable suddenly, even with his body shooting out happy endorphins.

“I think I’d be a nervous kitty.” And maybe it’s easier to say it like that. “One of those cats that’s jumpy...worries a lot.”

Sehun feels a warm hand rub over his bare shoulder. “I had a cat like that once.” Kyungsoo says. Sehun searches for his fingers to hold. “Her previous owner had lived alone and worked a lot, so she hadn’t spent much time with people, especially in regards to physical affection. Mum was worried about adopting her at first but Seungsoo really liked her, so we brought her home. She had to adjust to so much that I felt guilty a lot of the time, she almost always looked scared, and there was a point where we thought we might not be able to take care of her the way she needed.”

“And did you?” 

“We took it slow. Really slow. We gave her the whole spare room so she would have a place that was hers; somewhere to go when she was scared or overwhelmed. Dad didn’t like the idea of it much, but even he could see how it affected her. She wasn’t on the defensive all the time when she was choosing to come out and greet us, we found out as much as we could about her original daily schedule and replicated it so she would feel familiar and safe. We learnt where she liked to be stroked and the sounds that frightened her, and she learnt about our house and our family routines, as if we all adapted and grew together. Actually,” there’s a pause in the soothing rumble of his voice, “I just realised how much I miss her.”

Sehun makes a sympathetic sound and leans up to kiss him on the cheek slowly. “Would you ever want to get a little kitty?”

“I have one already.” Kyungsoo teases. “And we haven’t finished making that list of relaxing things.”

Sehun closes his eyes. “It’s not...silly, right?”

“No, it’s not. Besides, it was my idea, there’s nothing to feel embarrassed about. There’s always space to learn about each other and make new routines. Things are always changing, it makes sense that there will be new things to talk about, to deal with. New pleasures, new worries.”

Sehun’s brows pull together in an effort not to get teary again. “Okay, then can the next one be something that relaxes you?”

Kyungsoo’s mouth tugs at the edges. Sehun crawls on top of him, biting his cheeks to keep from a shy smile. He knows Kyungsoo can tell that his eyes and lashes are wet. But Kyungsoo’s gaze is impossibly fond, staring up at Sehun in a way that makes him feel safer than anything else; it’s kind regard and care and trust and, so simple. 

Sehun’s hands slide beneath Kyungsoo’s black tank and spread out over his tummy. Most of Kyungsoo is soft, he’s compact and plush where Sehun is long and toned and sprawling. He leans down to follow his palms with his lips, pressing indulgent open-mouth kisses to Kyungsoo’s tummy, while the elder slides a hand into his hair.

Sehun travels over each of his moles, mostly without looking, he wonders if Kyungsoo ever notices. He looks up to see his face and Kyungsoo’s head is back on the pillow, eyes open and unfocused, chest lifting up and down as he breathes gently. Sehun knows he likes the attention - not always, but times like this - he enjoys the tactile sensation, the sensory experience of having his skin touched and kissed and cared for, and he know Sehun likes doing it too. 

He trails his way upwards, edging Kyungsoo’s shirt higher up with his hands, until it’s just below his chest. It’s out of habit, but he looks up to check whether Kyungsoo is okay with it, and gets a warm eye smile in return. He nuzzles a path through the centre of Kyungsoo’s chest, mumbling about the fact that he’s so soft, and barely keeps himself from climbing all the way up to his neck. He palms the sides of Kyungsoo’s body, and lets his hands brush up and down like the ebb and flow of a wave; feeling him, leaning down, his chest against Kyungsoo’s tummy. They breathe at the same time, because Kyungsoo likes rhythmicity; they both do.

Kyungsoo’s tank bunches under his arms and Sehun noses along the fading scars of his top surgery; tiny doting kisses along both lines. 

Kyungsoo rubs a thumb across his forehead, then over his brow bone. “I like you right here.” Kyungsoo says matter-of-factly, and Sehun nips at him. “I love you.” He adds, and Sehun heart is bursting so he thinks that’s quite enough. Sehun looks him in the eyes before licking a stripe across his right nipple. Kyungsoo’s eyelashes flutter and Sehun’s mouth curls while he gives kittenish little licks. He automatically gravitates to the right nipple because the other had lost most of its sensitivity; but a year on, it’s barely a thought in their minds.

Kyungsoo’s chest heaves up and down as Sehun gets closer to sucking. It’s something that’s relaxing to them both, Sehun reaching out for Kyungsoo’s free hand as his head starts to go fuzzy. Kyungsoo hums something under his breath, so soft and deep, and every part of them that’s pressing together is so so warm. Sehun recognises the song, it’s one of Chanyeol’s, it makes him feel safe, and he closes his eyes just before he fits his lips around one pink bud. 

It’s easy to want to fall asleep there, even though they need to get up soon and Sehun’s already looking forward to helping with Kyungsoo’s weekend breakfast, it’s so much simpler like this. Kyungsoo ever-so-slightly clenches and unclenches his hand in keeping with Sehun’s rhythm. Sehun thinks it’s like a happy cat kneading. Maybe they’re both cats after all. Kyungsoo is still humming, even though his breath hitches sometimes when Sehun flicks his tongue. And then Sehun rubs a hand over the rest of his chest and Kyungsoo stops to make happy sounds that are barely above a whisper. 

Sehun feels unable to do anything but delicately, thoroughly appreciate his skin, his body, his love, their understanding of each other, their willingness to try, and the way Kyungsoo praises him like he’s running out of air. Sehun suckles until he’s almost asleep, and Kyungsoo is chuckling and poking his cheek and Sehun is glowing with pride and happiness. 

“Breakfast?” Kyungsoo is saying to him, as he tries not to fall back into a snooze. 

“Mhm.” Breakfast. Breakfast and then talking, and sharing, and listening. Kyungsoo wiggles out from beneath him and he whines just for the sake of it. 

“Come on, big baby.” Kyungsoo laughs on his way out. “Or I’ll eat without you.”

Sehun manages to slither out of bed. After all, breakfast food.

**Author's Note:**

> so this is my first fic that i'm posting and i'm nervous! but thank you for reading if you did c:
> 
>  
> 
> i'm...softly..around..on [tumbl](http://sesoup.tumblr.com/) & [twt](https://twitter.com/sesouppie)


End file.
